Monday, August 15, 2005

Dream... Dream....

Yesterday dreamt again of my mother. This was I think the second time I woke up after a dream about my mother that I cried so hard. I missed her a lot. Some people say it's just the Devil, playing with our dreams. Some people say, it can be something deep inside me that wanted to come out. Hmm...

I dreamt that as if I was taken back to time when she was still alive. And as if the real me then was where I was two years ago, in Shah Alam. But there I was travelled back to see her. I knew it is so different from what must have happened, but there I was waiting for her. She came. I met her. There were other people as well, my brothers, my father. But I felt as if I was the only one who knew that she is going to die. I whipered to her, "please wait a bit longer". She told that she couldn't. But then she agreed to stay as long as she can. And she whispered to me, "I planned to go at night". Then she was taken somewhere. I don't know. Somewhere like a hospital. Weird things I saw in the hospital. But then it was time for me to see my mother. My sister, brother in laws and other family members were waiting. Then they opened a door leading to a room and I could see my mother lying on the bed, looking so ill. I wanted to be alone with her. To talk and tell her everything. I wanted to tell her that I'm pregnant. But I realized that time I was not even married to Andrew. I didn't tell. I just held her hand. She looked weakly at me. And I just put her hand to my face, crying. At that time, I kissed her hand and just let it be there. In my heart I was crying, "What is it that I can give to keep you alive... I'd do anything." The feeling was so painful, knowing that I couldn't do anything and she was slipping away from me. And I woke up. Crying.... Feeling so miserable.

I just don't know, how to let go. I felt the emptiness when she left and I still feel the same. Many things I'd like to share with her, but she just left too early. :(

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